Its been a long time since the darkness of uncertainty descended. It is one year since our Nepali visas ran out. This poem captures something of the ongoing experience for me (Andy).
We grow accustomed to the Dark –
When light is put away –
As when the Neighbor holds the Lamp
To witness her Goodbye –
A Moment – We uncertain step
For newness of the night –
Then – fit our Vision to the Dark –
And meet the Road – erect –
And so of larger – Darknesses –
Those Evenings of the Brain –
When not a Moon disclose a sign –
Or Star – come out – within –
The Bravest – grope a little –
And sometimes hit a Tree
Directly in the Forehead –
But as they learn to see –
Either the Darkness alters –
Or something in the sight
Adjusts itself to Midnight –
And Life steps almost straight.
The growing accustomed: living with uncertainty has become something of a way of life but at times I just want to know what is going to happen so I can make plans one way or the other. But we have –
Fit our vision to the dark: and there have been many wonderful things about the last few months. The sea, Britain’s green and pleasant land, colours of Autumn, crisp mornings, rediscovering tennis, family, friends. But also there have been –
Those evenings of the Brain: most of the time I think I’ve coped better than I would have imagined but their have been one or two periods where I have indeed –
Hit a tree directly in the forehead: like the day I heard that I would be unlikely to continue helping at the bible college. It left me reeling, dizzy, for 2 weeks. But –
Either the Darkness alters or something in the sight adjusts itself to midnight and life steps almost straight. We will return to Nepal on a tourist visa for 4 months in January. Jenny will continue with her masters and I will explore future possibilities. The uncertainty is still there but it will be a little bit more like ‘normal’.
My apologies for not having sent news for so long. Will try to resume normal service.Thank you for your patience.
Thoughts and prayers are with those who through illness, depression, job insecurity etc are grappling with much greater darkness than this;
May some Star light your way this Christmas.